she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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