yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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