Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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