i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
