$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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