just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
