As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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