Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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