How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
