dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
