I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
