I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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