why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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