I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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