Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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