She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
