I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
