Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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