I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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