Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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