Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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