I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
