I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
