Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
