Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
im calling her cock vulture from now on
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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