and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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