my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
