I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
