So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
