i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
