You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
two words: eviction party
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
