my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
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Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.