How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Did I show you my penis last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
