im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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