all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
