Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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