I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
