It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
