Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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