He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
