i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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