Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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