I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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