He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
