I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
