and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
