Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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