No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
