i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
