its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
