Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
