If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
