I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
