You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
