Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
