Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
