You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
