I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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