Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
