two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
